My husband asked last night if writing our book was “worth it.”  

I asked “Worth what?”

He said “You know… Our time?”  

I just laughed and said “Definitely, our time is worthless!”

Which, I know, seems like a flippant response for a moment of vulnerability.  However, I don’t think it’s helpful to give feelings of doubt any importance.  By validating them, I would be accepting the premise that ‘wasting time’ is supposed to be avoided.  I just don’t agree!  Having some big goal in mind can actually be a barrier toward incremental progress.  Sustainable creation can’t exist for him if he thinks the project is really important.

I want to be able to keep writing together for a long time.  That means he’ll have to write, and more difficult, learn to stop writing.  Changing tasks is not always easy, but he can’t constantly be writing.  When the writing is really important, he can’t disconnect.  It’s too important!

Personally, I very much like the idea of doing stuff for no reason.  After a while it feels like I’m daring the universe to waste my time.  At some point there is so much stuff that’s so good, and no one’s looking at it.  It becomes a time bomb of content, where at any point, I can change my mind and I’ll have all sorts of masterpieces to share with a publisher.  Then I’ll have the freedom to leave out the things I don’t like.

Because 80% of anything is crap, 80% of my own stuff is also crap.  That means, max, 20% of my time won’t be wasted.  That’s still a lot of wasted time!

That will be the absolute maximum amount, too.  At first, a lot more of my time is going to be thrown away.  Whole sessions will be 100% cut.  That has to be okay!  Because it takes me somewhere with something left that’s good. 

The trick is to stay motivated until that 20% that’s actually worthwhile is large enough to become a body of work.  I can’t expect every word to be gold, I can’t demand perfection.  There has to be room for failure, even the expectation of failure!

Once the pressure of worthiness is removed, my creativity has room to move.  I’m free to explore, try things that don’t work.  Because sometimes it will. About 20% of the time.  And then it’s magic. 

So I’ll keep writing words that no one reads, drawing pictures that no one sees, and dancing because no one is watching.  After a while, it may just come together and become something.  

On the other hand, nothing may come of it. 

Nothing except time spent not on social media.

Time not spent tortured by failed expectations.  

Time spent creating.

Time spent learning.

Time spent enjoying myself.