I am very much enjoying the book the Night Circus by Erin Morganstern. It is a fantasy set in the late 1800’s through the turn of the century. The book is a smokey enigmatic sort of story, with unfinished scenes and plenty of room for intrigue.
The characterization is my favorite sort, show-don’t-tell, with information being revealed slowly as the story requires it. Every person does not play a part, but acts within the world with their own motivation and purposes. Characters are constantly surprising one another, and live in a world of flux.
It is not an action-driven tale. If having to hear about the action second-hand after the fact bothers you, this is not the book for you. If you have ever wanted to wander around a deserted circus, the feel of painted canvas and the scent of caramel on the breeze, here is your chance.
This is not about a real circus. No animals are abused, or really mentioned much. If you want to read a great book about what circuses were actually like and the rise of humane zoos, read West With Girraffes. If you want to read about the human toll of circuses, coming of age, and aging, read Water for Elephants.
If you like the dreamy atmosphere of the Night Circus, read Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. She also wrote a much longer story about magic in the 19th Century called Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel which has much of the period style and similar use of magic to the Night Circus.
The Night Circus, especially the ending and how the characters interactions were played out reminded me of something in Diskworld. They were told to create themselves, with another person as their only foil.
It’s terribly important to be able to look into your love’s eyes and know what they see. As soon as that disconnects from reality, as soon as that starts slipping, trust is lost. Everyone’s deepest need is to be known.
In Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett, Granny Weatherwax is pitted against Lilith. Lilith is a witch who has discovered how to use the Mirror universe to start attacking Granny Weatherwax.
The Mirror Universe is a dimension where all the mirrors in every universe converge. Everything is made up of various reflections. At the end of the story, they both end up trapped in the Mirror Universe.
Lilith is told she must find “The one that’s real” in an endless hall of warped reflections. She cries in despair, and starts her search, evaluating each mirror for truth.
Granny Weatherwax asks “Is that a trick question?” and is told “No.” She looks down at herself and says “This one!”
I laughed in surprise and wonder at that, because it’s a great allegory for our own understanding of ourself. I have often felt very misunderstood by other people and I’ve never thought of them as a good source of truth, even when they might have a better perspective.
I would walk through the world and look through people’s eyes and see mirrored there people with little, or more resemblance to myself. Sometimes I would like what they saw and sometimes I would not. I have had many arguments where people tried to convince me who I was. I think most people have.
There is an idea floating around therapy and pop psychology spaces that I really like about the 6 people present in every conversation. It identifies just where and how this mirroring happens when we look for ourselves in other people or the outside world.
1. You
2. Them
3. Your view of them
4. Their view of you
5. Your view of yourself
6. Their view of themselves
Then, I’ve found there are the insidious 7 and 8th people:
7. You imagining their view of you
8. Them imagining your view of them
Now I’m getting a little esoteric here, so I’ll describe an example.
1. You wave and say “Hi, how was your weekend?”
2. They shrug and say “Oh you know”
Then the other people direct the flow of the conversation:
3. You think to yourself, “They must not want to talk to me”
4. They think to themselves, “I can’t just say I had a panic attack last night, they don’t want to hear my problems.”
5. You think to yourself “I’m a friendly person, if they change their mind, I’ll be ready.”
6. They think to themselves, “That person is always so chipper, I could never keep up anyway.”
7. You think to yourself “They think I’m annoying, or else they’d talk”
8. They think to themselves “They don’t know how much of a loser I am. If I told them the truth, they’d never talk to me again.”
Then the conversation ends every day, with no communication, a lot of incorrect assumptions, and no progress on what could be a friendship. You can see how those last two, those ideas about what other people think of us can be the farthest from the truth.
This image you imagine other people see, their judgment of you, is something we spend our whole life discerning from the people around us. But we can never know another’s true thoughts. Who would truly want to? Most people have clearer reflections in a funhouse mirror than seen through others eyes.
So Lilith was looking outside of herself, evaluating everything she saw to find something true, when she had no idea of what she was comparing it against. But Granny Weatherwax held fast to her knowledge of herself, and looked inward for truth.
I’m constantly surprised by the way people see me. In the Night Circus, the characters can manipulate what other people see, so their true thoughts are even more obscured. But people can do that in reality just as well.
I used to be the victim of other people’s judgments, assuming I had no control over their view of me. I thought that my only point of control was a matter of secrecy and lying to cover the truth. That if I was ever truly honest, the best I could expect was pity.
But if I take control of the narrative, and tell myself what I will show them, then I can find confidence. I learned that there was more to me than my weaknesses, and that my strengths were just as valid to display. But there is more to it than that.
Being able to be vulnerable is wonderful, but being able to be resilient in the face of harsh reality is just as necessary. The truth is, other people’s judgment of me will not always be kind. It will not always be under my control. It will not always be true.
Confidence is knowing that their judgments don’t matter. I will still stand in the light of my spirituality, whole, regardless of their opinions. They can only change me if I let them. And most of the time they’ve forgotten long before I have.
Now when I find myself imagining other people’s view of me, I give myself the benefit of the doubt. I make up forgiving scenarios instead of assuming the worst. Most of the time when I give people some room, they tell me the whole story. It’s almost never about me.
And I am so grateful I found someone I who saw who I am. I don’t have to worry about faltering and breaking his false idol image. I don’t have to worry about him disrespecting me or lowering his expectations to meet a poorer image. He sees my strengths and weaknesses with love and clarity. So whenever my self-image falters, I know where to turn for the truth.