Kind of for my birthday, kind of for my project with the children’s book, I bought some pastel pencils.  I had never heard of pastel pencils until I was on instagram this year and watched people use them.  They aren’t the kind of thing public schools buy for children, and high school was the last time I had gotten art instruction outside of sketching.

I decided to paint a rainbow boa for a very good reason, and I will tell you why today.  It’s because I have been reading Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials and then the new books, the Books of Dust.  I read His Dark Materials like many people did, when I was 12 or 13 because they were wildly popular young adult fiction during a time in my life when I was reading a book every day or two. 

They made a movie of the first one, the Golden Compass, as some people might remember.  It was terrible.  Apparently there is some HBO thing going on, I haven’t looked into it.  By all means, go and enjoy it, because whatever way you are introduced to the world, it provides a very interesting thought experiment to put to yourself.

See, in this fictional world people have their souls, their egos, the emotional heartfelt part of them externalized as an animal.  Every person has a different animals except for people who are exceptionally similar in some way, because the characteristics of the animal reflect their character. 

So, a sneaky person afraid of being seen may have a black cat.  A strong, loyal person dedicated to their pack may have a german shepherd daemon.  Most of the scientists and scholars have birds, because their hearts and thoughts are devoted to lofty pursuits and they may have little interest in the world of mundane people.  Hardworking, spirited people have squirrel daemons. 

But some have daemons where the meaning is not so clear, like a monkey, or a lizard, or a dragonfly.  Some are bright and colorful and beautiful, while some are haggard or dirty or fat.

The thing about these daemons is that children’s daemons can change form until they reach a mental maturity in their early to mid teens and then their daemon settles into a permanent form.  Until then the shape changing reflects their mood and intention, but after that it’s a more permanent set of abilities for their companion.  Because they don’t just go around with them like pets, they have conversations, and argue and work together and undermine one another. 

I’m sure anyone can identify with feeling at odds with yourself, torn toward two decisions or acting contrary to your best ideals.  This is an interesting way of displaying that, in a colorful and accessible fashion for a YA novel.

I’ve been reading these books again because the new ones came out and I finally found out about them.  Like I said, the first trilogy was a wonderful experience, especially since I was young enough to identify with the 11 year old protagonist. 

I was let off the hook of deciding what my daemon’s shape would be by being too young for it to have settled so I spent time daydreaming, wondering what I might become one day.  This time through I had no such comfort, and I spent night after night talking with my husband about what shape my daemon might have.  We talked about his and mine, what we were like, how people treated us and how strong our characters are.

People in the book don’t just talk to their daemons, they talk to other people’s daemons.  And fight.  So aggressive, murderous people have large predators for daemons.  The animals try to overpower one another, sometimes by intimidation and sometimes by force, depending on the stakes.  Arguments and fights are down to whose daemon gets the upper hand.  Bullies decide who to pick on by oppressing people’s small or meek daemons, just like they do in the real world.

 I liked thinking about people in this way, because this gave a tangible construct to a nebulous, intangible idea of how people act and are seen by others.  I know I’ve seen people with prissy little dogs or raggedy sea gulls and I’ve seen people I liked before they even cracked a smile.  But how could I turn it around and use it to teach me something about myself? 

For the longest time my husband and friends were no help in figuring out the shape of my daemon.  To be fair, I couldn’t figure him out either.   I got all caught up in the way I want to be, thinking about the things I like about myself.

I am playful and do cute things and am generally not self conscious, like a fox?  But foxes are suave and sly and people stare out of the corner of their eyes at them.  People with foxes pull off fedoras and look like Kate Moss or Marlin Brando.

I am very mentally curious and search for knowledge and delve deep to find answers to questions, like an intelligent bird, maybe a parrot? But parrots are loud and brash and gregarious.  People with parrots for daemons wear red and yellow tropical prints and look chic.

 I am moody and wear my emotions written on my face, maybe like a chameleon? But chameleons are delicate and gentle.  People with chameleon daemons give trigger warnings for relatively benign things at the beginning of their YouTube video.  I am naturally inconsiderate, and have to make a conscious effort to allow for people.

Then one day I got irritated with a coworker who was avoiding me and my husband told me that I scared people.  Now I’ve been told I scared individual people.  Everyone scares someone, right?  But he informed me that I scared most people. 

In fact, people tended to become more frightened of me the longer and better they knew me.  All the people I had heard about who had been scared enough of me to tell someone who passed on the message were people I really hated.  I thought that was really for the best. 

But it really distressed me to find out I was scaring people that just irritated me.  It was weird to find out I was scaring people that were in positions of power, that I had scared soldiers and professors and bosses and I even scared my parents.

I’m sure this isn’t a common realization, and I’m not exactly expecting to relate with a lot of people here in this, but it was rather transformative for me.  I had been sitting here thinking about how I see myself, in other words, what I think of my daemon.  I hadn’t been thinking about how other people treated my daemon, and what sort of presence I had when I entered a room.  What sort of presence I had in an argument.  Whether people would challenge me at all.

I thought back through my life and reconsidered my relationships and interactions in the context of being scary.  It was like everything clicked into place.  I was a little blond girl, but if I had a twin, I would have been the girls from the Shining.  I was always scaring grown ups.  Children would pick on me… once.  I had very few friends, and the ones I had always acted a bit on edge, like they were playing with someone dangerous.  I always worked so hard to be good, but I never was able to fit in or be treated like other children. 

Now the reason I am so scary is a little strange.  It’s a little personal, and luckily all the people out in the internet are safe, because I don’t know you and can’t see you.  I’m not very good at understanding what things to keep hidden and what things to share.  I’ll try to keep this brief, because if I explain everything about me that this covers, you’ll know quite a bit about me that my friends and family only assume.

I have always had a sense of what people’s intentions were, and was initially unaware that people thought that was secret.  I related to Sherlock, picking up on things people thought were hidden about themselves.  People don’t like the truth when they are telling themselves a comforting lie.

People don’t like to know what others can tell about them from their clothes and bearing and the way they keep their hair.  It doesn’t work out well for Sherlock, and I’ve had similar experiences.  I have come to learn more tact, but I have found that I act on my knowledge even if I don’t tell them. 

I do judge people based on what I see.  I trust them or avoid them and encourage others to notice things that are important.  People don’t like being found out.  I look them in the eye and they can feel me scanning them and they avoid me.

But I do my best to be kind, I thought that was what was important.  I comfort people, and am the therapist friend with everyone I meet.  I use my powers for good as much as I can.  I protect people from bullies and help them work out their feelings and understand themselves.  People very rarely find reasons to dislike me because I do well to be hard working and accommodating and understanding. 

They tell themselves I’m just a young woman, there is no reason to be frightened. They tell me that.  People usually tell people things they wish they were convinced of.  They are trying to convince themselves.

So my husband and I finally decided that I just have a scary daemon.  Most people are afraid of snakes, or at least respect them.  So I decided the best thing to visualize my daemon as is some sort of snake.  Most people are frightened, especially if they are particularly susceptible to my venom. 

It explained how I can stare down anyone and I am never afraid and I never back down. But I am not an aggressive person, and I am not vicious.  I am typically the peace keeper in discussions.  It explained to me a lot of things that had happened to me. More than that, it’s helping me going forward.

See, from that day, when I talk to people, I imagine what my snake is doing.  If I’m checking out with a cashier, I can pretend it is asleep, and not bother the cashier.  I used to ask them questions, to be personable.  But I think now I was scaring them, making them think I was taking too much of an interest. 

When I’m talking to a friend, I can act a little less hyper focused and let them say what they need to or keep some of their illusion of privacy.  I guess, the synopsis is that I can fit into society a little bit better.  I don’t have to judge myself or my daemon for scaring people, I can be proud of the fact that I can protect myself and others. 

But maybe I can be a little less scary if I realize that’s what’s going on. Not that I can always control it if I’m irritated.  No one has full control over their daemon.

I think it’s easy to forget that we have a part of ourselves people respond to without us knowing it.  Without us really having control over it.  It’s always good to be a little more whole, and I was glad to know a little more about myself so I could stop fighting my nature. 

There have been many times when I felt like an outsider, looking at groups of people with affectionate dogs or sociable birds and they get along so easily.  It could be that I’ll just never be able to go up to a group of people and join in the conversation and have the tone of the room stay the same.  I’ll just have to accept that about myself and choose my words wisely.